so i started this page weeks ago.
then one of my dogs tore up the page. i adopted two sisters of a cattle dog persuasion. they are only half grown and are so naughty. between their shopping on my desk and my kids’s shopping on my desk, it’s a wonder i get any pages out at all.
even though i am doing a comic about the destructive voices in my head, it is still difficult to do said artwork when i am depressed. overwhelmed. generally ready to crawl in a hole and never come out.
i’m not sure what happens next. maybe i will get some moses jones done. i have been hankering to work on that comic for awhile.
also! i started playing with a story i started when my niece was like 4. that niece has now graduated from college. so maybe i should finish my story, at least.
i wrote it as a screenplay.
i am adapting it to be prose…with pictures. not a graphic novel. just, you know, an illustrated story.
strangely, the dynamics of the two main characters (written, like i said, 20 years ago?) are reflective of the dynamics between my ex & i. you know, dusty. the male lead even looks like him. i wrote it before i started doing more autobiographical fiction. he came out of my imagination. fuck, maybe i predicted him…or worse, maybe i wrote him into existence. yikes.
speaking of the topic of autobiographical fiction. i just finished reading john irving’s latest novel, the avenue of miracles. i love love love john irving. this novel, not so much. parts of it were amazing. other parts were half-hearted. but! he often discusses memoir fiction vs. fiction from the imagination. while reading it, i started writing an essay. i think i will eventually finish that essay that is not quite memoir…not quite pure imagination…but all me and how i feel while reading a john irving novel.
i think i had another point to make or story to share, but i had to stop typing to have a fight with my eight year old who seems to believe i am not allowed to live a life other than as his devoted and single-minded mother.
i think i am exorcising some demons with this comic.
which is good.
i’m not sure how long this comic will end up being…
if it will be just one story,
or a continuing story.
but right now it is strong in my head
so i figure i should go with it.
i like the way the art turned out. i like using a different font. i developed the font i letter with in moses jones & other works in like..what..1998? 1999? so it is fun to use a different way of lettering with this comic. then, in a tribute to ralph steadman, i mess it up a bit. i like messy.
messy is fun.
also! i may have mentioned that i am putting my quixotic poetry together into a collection. well, i decided to put ALL of the poetry i can find that i have written over the years into that collection and to maybe try to find a publisher? maybe self publish? maybe enter it into a contest? but, fuck it, i am doing something. all that raw emotion & terrible verse just begs to be ridiculed by the public (haha!)
and i still want to be doing more ink brush painting. i think i need more paper. maybe that’s what my block is with that.
so i need to find an art store.
does anyone know any independent art stores in central illinois?
maybe this page looks rough because i feel rough.
another depressed & anxious day in the life
& i’m all like,
“since i feel like crap & a big dumb
failure…i should work on my comic about the destructive voices
that tell me i am crap
& a big dumb failure.”
so here is the very first page of
just me & my lizard brain
i am actually pretty excited about it, regardless of my depression & anxiety. what better way to deal with feeling like crap than to write a comic about feeling like crap?
i’m a genius.
it is yet to be determined. (though a quiz on facebook today told me i am a genius)
interesting side note. my main character is named after my very first therapist. maeve. what a cool name, right? it got vetoed as a baby name, so i’m naming this creation in her honor.
i hope you enjoy it. when i am feeling more centered & zen, i will try to do some chinese ink brush paintings of the cornfields i see all around me.
maybe some stark raving whimsy when i am–um–stark raving whimsical?
and when i am in the mood for fighting zombies, we will see more of moses jones!
last summer, a year ago this week, i was homeless for a month and a half while waiting for our new apartment to open up.
then at the new year, i packed up my four minions and moved two hours north of dusty to a different home.
then, this spring, my landlord/housemate asked me to leave so she could have the place to herself.
and i moved again.
this time to another state, to my childhood home, with dusty & the minions.
i wasn’t ready to live with dusty again.
so now, though i think of moses jones & other projects every day, i have a new place to settle. land & house in serious need of care-taking. a yard & garden. a flock of chickens. two dogs who need training. four minions on hyper-drive as they try to adjust to the fourth move in a year….
i’m here though. never far away. treading water.
i am in the process of collecting all of my poetry from my other blog to put into a collection of sorts. then i will delete the bulk of that blog to convert it (once more) into a different blog. this time about the dysfunctional adventures of a homesteading family.
and i look at my barely started first page of just me and my lizard brain every day, sighing softly.
and i daydream about doing some fantastic & wildly popular chinese ink brush paintings of the central illinois landscape.
and mojo. i think about mojo. her humble beginnings, her journey thus far, and her future in the graphic novel world….
it has been a long time since i have finished or started anything. i could blame my kids (two of them are actually climbing on me as i try to do this), but in truth, my life is just chaotic–again–right now and i am unable to focus.
i did however work on this treasure map, for my kids, an experiment in ink on canvas…actually the back of a used canvas. things to learn from, the way the water in the canvas spread the ink to places i did not intend for it to go. i was going to go back with black ink, but the treasure map has been stolen and since it was intended to be played with, i guess they don’t mind the ink that got away from me. the back of the canvas is rougher, it seems than the front. but i do like painting with ink & hope to do more of it soon.
meanwhile! my life is in upheaval again. my housemate/landlord has asked me and my tribe to move along. this will be the fourth time in a year i have had to pack up everything my family owns & relocate with them–and do all the things again that a relocation with a big family entails. at least we have a place to go at which we will hopefully be able to put down roots. we are going to my childhood home. it is a few acres in rural illinois. the heart of illinois, they call it. if you read my comic about racism…yeah, that place. but our place is in the country & hopefully i will be able to create a beautiful existence there. and maybe contribute in a positive way to the existing culture?? we will see. i have lots of plans. which should include more art! more moses jones! more whimsy! more lizard brain! along with all the fun of homesteading!
dusty is coming with me. he is excited about it. could be good for us…or we might be reenacting the shining. either way, it should be interesting. might be i can turn my other blog (quixotic mama) into a homesteading blog.
well this went a bit darker than i imagined. i was thinking “quirky” and…well…day 5 without my minions…arguing with the narcissistic dusty about my not seeing them for another 2 days & how pissed off i am. i pick up a pen. and my lizard brain gets pretty dark. i like it though. nothing against quirky…but whenever i read a quirky novel i kind of want to throw it at the author. repeatedly.
don’t get me wrong.
i have written some quirky crap.
like here is a quirky short story i wrote for a writer’s workshop:
a severe lack of grace
my instructor, with her funky british-japanese heritage and goth name, assured me that i was “funny” and that i would have an audience accordingly. i’m pretty sure she meant it as an insult.
suck it, rowan.
so i started working on my new comic, just me and my lizard brain. it could be disturbing…but i am going to try for dark & funny.
i just need my minions to come home. then i can be properly distracted and not wander to the darker realms of my brainstem.
on a lighter note! i played with more buttons.
a wonderful friend whom i have known since second grade (that is 1978 for those of you unaware of my timeline) sent me a book on chinese brush painting that teaches “the four gentleman” as part of its practice. plum blossom. bamboo. chrysanthemum. and orchid. this is my first attempt at painting them–and! a thank you set for my lovely friend who is also an artist and has her work here.
also! just a couple of quick sketches i did using ink & brush and the topic of stark raving whimsy.
and! because i have no minions to monopolize…er…i mean…enrich my time–i am able to do other projects i have thus far only done in my head. mostly with buttons. i love buttons.